Clinton Administration Declares Cooties a Security Threat
(Washington, DC) Earlier today, President Clinton declared Cooties a threat to national Security, and directed the National Security Council to re-examine U.S. policy towards Cooties both at home and abroad.
“This is not just a medical issue,” Clinton said in a prepared statement. “The transmission of Cooties has passed far beyond our school yards and crossed international borders. The young men of many Third-World nations have never heard of Cooties Protection and are ill-prepared to deal with the threat that Cooties poses. This becomes an issue of National Security, because, ever since the Kennedy administration, it has been U.S. policy not to negotiate with anyone that has Cooties.”
President Clinton’s comments are in reference to American Cooties, the invisible germ that makes little girls icky, and not traditional Cooties, better known in medical circles as “head lice.” While experts are unsure as to the exact origin of American Cooties, they were first discovered on pre-adolescent girls in a Vermont schoolyard in 1826. American Cooties are extremely contagious, especially to little boys, and infection can only be prevented if a subject has Cooties Protection. While the majority of little boys come into the possession of Cooties Protection at an early age, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have thus far been unable to synthesize it in a laboratory.
While it is uncertain how American Cooties spread to the far corners of the globe, World Health Organization officials suspect amorous Frenchmen on holiday first carried the disease back to Europe. Pentagon officials state that all servicemen are issued Cooties Protection before shipping out for overseas assignments, and that the Armed Forces have played no part in the global Cooties epidemic.
The CIA confirms President Clinton’s foreign policy concerns, stating that Cooties can contribute significantly to the destabilization of governments, particularly fledgling democracies.
“It’s very simple,” anonymous CIA sources say, “Anybody contracting Cooties becomes icky and gross. If the leader of a new regime becomes icky and gross, it becomes much easier to undermine support for the ruling part. An icky and gross ruling party greases the path towards revolutionary wars, disruptive regime transitions, and even ethnic cleansing, should the infestation occur in a segregated area. It’s our estimation that Cooties have been the motivating factor in at least 15% of governmental overthrows in the last 2 years, and that number is growing. Unless the spread of Cooties is stemmed, we could be looking at geo-political upheaval on a scale not seen since World War II.”
“National Security is about the preserving the quality of life,” Vice-President Gore qualified. “Cooties drags down the quality of life not just for Americans, but for people anywhere that are struck down in their youth. This is a humanitarian cause, as well as a security issue.”
“The fight against Cooties is a fight that can be won, but we have to be strong,” President Clinton emphasized. “We have to teach our young men to have Cooties Protection, and we must lead by example. Ever since I was a young man, growing up in Hope, Arkansas, I have been surrounded by Cooties. Cooties in the school yard, Cooties in the cafeteria, Cooties in the haystack behind Sally’s daddy’s barn – but I had Cooties Protection and I used it. I even went on to marry Hilary and I still don’t have Cooties. This is a fight we can win.”